A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Macedonian men and 1 Macedonian woman.
One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere...
The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Macedonian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Macedonian woman and started swimming.
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When I was young my sister used to play with dolls and I played with soldiers, now we do it the other way round.
Q: How do mathematicians induce good behavior in their children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!"
Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
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During the Iraq war, a Lieutenant asked the soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle, "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself."
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
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