A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
Jesus walks into an inn and hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.
Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: Bigfoot, because they don't exist.
Judge: "You are sentenced to 2 years of solitary confinement" Me: "Thank you."
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Q: Why did the one handed man cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.