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Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath. "Here's the cutest baby animal ever." "Now let's watch something eat it."
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The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex. But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
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I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
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Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8? Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.
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Chuck Norris can tell you what a lethal injection feels like
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Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
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More jokes about: life
"Backspace key"... hiding feelings since ages.
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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
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