A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree.
The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there.
So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, "I just got stoned with my pal the monkey."
"Really" said the croc, "where is he I want some."
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said "holy shit how much did you drink little buddy."
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says "I'm in love with my dog."
"Well that is not so unusual, millions of people love their dogs."
"But doctor, you don't understand. I'm physically attracted to my dog. I'm in love with my dog."
"Well, is your dog male or female?"
"Female, of course, what the hell do you think I am, queer?"
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
I'm so hipster, even I've never heard of my favorite band.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with eight girlfriends?
A: An octopus.
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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
"If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"
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Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with Chuck Norris?
A: Nothing. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
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When I was young my sister used to play with dolls and I played with soldiers, now we do it the other way round.