Best jokes ever

Facebook: "My kids are perfect." Instagram: "My kids are beautiful." Twitter: "My kids are why I drink."
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: internet, kids
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?  "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: bar, blonde, disgusting, lawyer
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: black humor, chemistry, death, wife
Q: How do you find how many fat people are in America? A: Throw a cookie into the street.
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: fat, food, geography
Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny. Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow." Doctor starts and woman begins to moan. Doctor gets faster and harder. Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?" Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A conversation among my Children's Church a while back. A little girl announced proudly to our class one day, "My mommy has a baby in her belly!" The little boy next to her was mortified! "Why did your mommy eat a baby!"
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: baby, church, family, kids
You so ugly, when Yo Momma drops you off at school, she gets a ticket for littering.
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: Yo mama
Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food. The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sex with her. The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods. The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded. So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys. "Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you screwed that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: disgusting
Your momma so ugly her face is used as an x ray in mortal kombat X.
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has 65.91 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: insulting, technology, ugly, Yo mama
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!" The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence? Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue." "That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white." Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too." Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?" Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
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has 65.91 % from 148 votes. More jokes about: fart, little Johnny, teacher
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