A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile.
"Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man.
"Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs.
"Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
A guy picks up a pr*stitute and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel.
A few days later, he finds that he has caught crabs.
He chases down the prostitute and says, "hey bitch, you gave me crabs".
She replies, "what'd you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"
My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.
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TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around.
„What on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by.
The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit."
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The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!
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After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."
Yo mama's so poor, I was driving with her and she parked next to a garbage can.
I asked, "What're you doing?"
She said: "I'm booking us a hotel!"
Yo' Mama is so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Dear God!" he said startled.
"You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient.
"I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist.
"That was the echo."