What are the three rules for being a plumber? 1. Hot water is always on the left. 2. Shit doesn't flow uphill 3. Never chew your fingernails.
How do you make a rabbit fast? Don't feed it.
Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear flowers in his hair when he goes to San Francisco, he wears poison ivy.
Yo momma so fat she could go to the desert and sells shade.
The Grimm Reaper lost his job the day Chuck Norris was born.
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady confirmed, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives: 1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident. 2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident. 3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience. I'll take the lawyers heart. After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient: "Why did you choose the lawyers heart?" "Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.