Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? A: The taste
How can you know a lawyer is lying? When he moves his lips.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
Yo mama is so old in her time Burger King was know as Burger Prince.
Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar? A: He got Avogadro's number!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yep, that they do.
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice. To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
Chuck Norris will never die. The Grim Reaper is too scared to come and claim him.