Chuck Norris won a soccer game. He was the referee.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks: "Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that sh*t?" Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?" The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my f*cking bourbon"
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A: One molar solution.
Q: How do you know a blonde's having a bad day? A: Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil...
Atlas doesn't drop the earth because he knows Chuck Norris lives in it.
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I'm having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... "Then why did you eat him?"
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator.