Best jokes ever

You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.

Yo mama so fat when Dracula bit her he said "1 diabete, 2 diabete, 3 diabete".

"My wife drives like thunder." "So fast?" "No, every minute she strikes a tree."

A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar. The bartender says "What will it be?" The sandpaper goes "Just something to take the edge off"

Sperm 1: How much longer tell we get to the egg? Sperm 2: We've still got a long way to go. We're only half way down the esophagus.

Across all of the infinite number of parallel universes the version of Chuck Norris is the same. Nature knows perfection when she sees it.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

Eminem says "I'm not afraid". Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving at 10,000 feet he jumps into the plane... from the ground.

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" The octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna screw it!"