Chuck Norris has one pet. It's name is fear.
Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute." Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky "egg"lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. "What are you doing?," the female egg asked. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."
Just had an argument with the manager in McDonald's. What a clown!
Your mama's so fat she asked for a water bed and we threw a blanket on the ocean.
Q: How do all stoner stories start? A: This one time when I was high...
Parents: "Why are you welcoming guests in your underwear? " Me: "Hated me to take off my underwear."
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up, I wish I'd never put it on now.
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
Remember when we spent money like there was no tomorrow? Well, it’s tomorrow.
Q: Why did the cowboy get a hot seat? A: Because he rode the range.