He opens the door then turns the handle.
Vote:
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts!
A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“Bullshit, you know his parents are pressing him!”
Vote:
A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups.
The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.
Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack.
He asked his wife if she wanted anything.
“Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?” she asked.
“Sure,” he replied.
“Do you think you should write that down to remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember that,” he said.
“I’d like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?” she said.
“No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries,” he said, becoming a little irritated.
“I’d like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down,” she said.
“For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don’t need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream,” he said, now more than a little irritated.
Off he went to the kitchen.
About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife stared at it for a moment and said, “Where’s my toast?”
Vote:
Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
Q: What do you call a horse that plays the violin in a musical?
A: Fiddler on the hoof.
Two blondes were talking together:
First: "How about your engaged Jim? Is he keeping well?"
Second: "He isn't just now my engaged."
First: Hi good news. His nose was too big and his head was bald with an ugly face!"
Second: "He is now my husband!"
Vote:
Yo mama so fat when god said let there be light she was told to move out of the way.
3 old friends meet each other unexpectedly in Paris.
Since they haven't seen each other in decades, they decide to celebrate by going out.
They decide that they would go to the Eiffel Tower.
When they arrived, there was a guard there next to a sign that read "if you can drop your watch from the top of the Eiffel Tower, run all the way down the stairs and catch it on the floor, you will win 10 million dollars.
The men decided to try it.
The first one went up, dropped his watch, sprinted all the way down and looked up, but his watch wasn't there, so he looked down and there was his watch, shattered into pieces of gears and parts.
"Impossible," he said to his friends.
The second Man thought that maybe he was too slow, so he went up, dropped his watch, then practically jumped Down the steps, and looked up, but it wasn't there.
He looked down, and the remains of his watch were right next to his friends' watch. "Impossible," he said to the third man.
But the third man tried anyway.
He went up, dropped his watch, then took his time going down, taking 25 minutes to get down the steps.
When he finally went down, he looked at the local clock and waited 5 minutes, then he looked up and caught his watch.
Everyone was shocked, and as the guard was counting up the money, he asked: "how did you do that?"
The man looked at him and replied: "my watch is 30 minutes late."
Vote:
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.