Q: How do you know when a machanic has had sex? A: Two of his fingers are clean.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks. "No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
Caller: Oh, no, it’s just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there’s only one jack. Agent: Ma’am, you do realize that there’s a jack on the keyboard itself? You’re supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer. Caller: Are you kidding me!? Oh, wait a minute—yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That’s going to be so much easier! Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way? Caller: Six weeks!
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
The last thing that you see before you die, is Chuck Norris.
Wonder Woman's magic Lasso is actually one of Chuck Norris' chest hairs.
Nuclear weapons were discovered after a failed attempt to harness the power of Chuck Norris.
You momma's teeth are so nasty the b*tch spits yoohoo.