Best jokes ever

Chuck Norris once saw Spiderman on a wall and then folded his newspaper.

I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.

Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds? It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.

I and my two mates went to a hooker and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch. My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner! My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £9.50! I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £3.50.! "What do you mean," they asked me. "I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."

Superman is weakened when exposed to Kryptonite. Chuck Norris eats Kryptonite for breakfast without even a belch.

Q: Who was the first accountant? A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

If Chuck Norris were to ever bungee jump, the earth would flinch.

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop." The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on." The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too. "What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!" "Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad you would laugh hysterically about it!"

Yo Momma soooo old she was wearing a Jesus starter jacket!