Best jokes ever

I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game? A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

Q:Why is a doctor always calm. A: Because it has a lot of patients.

There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

Q: What's the idea of a blonde of natural childbirth? A: No make-up.

Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. "What if we get lost?" says one of them. "Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour," says the other. "I saw it on TV." Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour. The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. "Did you do what I said?" asked the hunter. "Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows."

Q: Who was the first accountant? A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.