A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.
It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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It was at an amusement park on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 2 kids.
"Who’s enjoying the most?" I asked cheerfully.
"I am" said one.
"I am" said the second.
"No," the father said "their mother is!"
“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
“My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
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Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying."
The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
He got himself into a real stew.
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Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
A: Lazy.