Chuck Norris invented 1080p so people could see his beard is made of razor wire.
Yo Mama so old... When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo mama fishing on the other side!
Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken.
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their backs.
Yo Momma SO STUPID WHEN THEY SAID THAT IT IS CHILLY OUTSIDE, SHE WENT OUTSIDE WITH A BOWL AND A SPOON.
Yo Momma's so fat, when she goes to Taco Bell, they run for the border!