A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: She will "let it go let it go".
Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
A: She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game.
This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball".
So I adjusted my stance and took another swing.
Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball."
So I stepped back a little more and swung.
This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hell are you talking about!
The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".
PE Teacher: "Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?"
Pupil: "You told me to put it on the Net."
Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances.
"What if we get lost?" says one of them.
"Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour," says the other.
"I saw it on TV."
Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour.
The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger.
"Did you do what I said?" asked the hunter.
"Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows."
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Yo mama so ugly when she auditioned for a horror movie they sent her to a professional!
The only reason Godzilla goes back into the ocean is because Chuck Norris is expecting him... for dinner.
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The second hardest element in the universe is Chuck Norris.
The first only comes into existance when Chuck gets excited.
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