Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
A: She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game.
This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball".
So I adjusted my stance and took another swing.
Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball."
So I stepped back a little more and swung.
This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hell are you talking about!
The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".
PE Teacher: "Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?"
Pupil: "You told me to put it on the Net."
Yo mama so ugly when she auditioned for a horror movie they sent her to a professional!
The second hardest element in the universe is Chuck Norris.
The first only comes into existance when Chuck gets excited.
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Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: She will "let it go let it go".
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
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The role of terminator was originaly played by Chuck Norris, but they decided against it as no-one would want to shit their pants for two hours strait.
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Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
Yo mama so stupid, I said, "Why do you have 2 quarters in your ears?"
And she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."