When I was a kid, my Chuck Norris action figure broke all my other toys while I was at school.
When my mom tried to throw him away, he killed her.
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Yo Mama is so nasty, she made the Dead Sea, when went to swim.
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
The only reason Godzilla goes back into the ocean is because Chuck Norris is expecting him... for dinner.
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How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
"Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say ‘Hello'."
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.
She wanted to see the Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.
It’ll take you right there.”
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.
That was three hours ago.
Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now.
The 45th bus just went by!”
Yo momma so fat, her patronus is a cake.
Lawsuit commercials for personal injury are quite common with things like accidents and medication; however they never mention Chuck Norris.
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Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today"
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."