Q:What's the definition of mixed emotions? A:When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?" The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?" "No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."
Chuck Norris walks into a bar... the beer starts to run.
You mama is so fat, when she goes to the movies she sits next to everyone!
My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position. I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy. He agreed with me. I got upset that he agreed. I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.
Wanna know Victoria's Secret? She has a penis.
When a white person delivers an asian baby. White person: "Congratulations he looks like your husband... mom... cousin... uncle... neighbor..."
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"