Q: What do pirates wear in the winter?
A: Long Johns!
Q: What's the worst part about sex?
A: When they wake up!
One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.
His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".
He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."
His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"
He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
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These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him,
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
The guy replies, "I gotta shit real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!"
His buddy tells him "Hang your ass out the window, and let it fly."
The guy hangs his ass out the window and the shi t flies back and hits the convertible.
The guys in the convertible say "Damn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!"
The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his ass".
After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down.
His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up."
His friend says "No!"
The other guy says "Why".
His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a bitch!"
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Chuck Norris once played The Price Is Right.
The prices attempted to guess the numbers Chuck Norris was thinking of.
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Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigars.
He smokes smoke grenades.
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If at first you don't succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.
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Your mom's so fat she sat on Big Lots and it turned into Lowes!!!
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Question: Why do men die before their wives?
Answer: Because they want to.