Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup." Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"
As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!
Q: What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain? A: A widower.
"Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie 3-D" was considered by Warner Brothers; however the technology to create the visual effects will never be possible.
My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-
Chuck Norris has hair of steel wool. That's why his mullet never moves.
How do you go about hiring a horse? Try two pairs of stilts!
There's no wine holder on this vacuum cleaner. It's like it wasn't even designed for women. How can I be expected to work under these conditions?
Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
"Hi! My name is Gertrude," said the lady next to him on the plane. "It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary eyed." After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. "You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me.. what do you think about my Grandson!"