Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup." Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"
Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..
He opens the door then turns the handle.
"Hi! My name is Gertrude," said the lady next to him on the plane. "It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary eyed." After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. "You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me.. what do you think about my Grandson!"
If you can't say something nice, say it in French.
Psychiatrist: "What’s your problem?" Patient: "I think I’m a chicken." Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?" Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"
Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class? A: I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went to KFC, she ordered the bucket of chicken on the roof.
Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed.