Will I ever be able to race my horse again the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you ll probably beat her too!"
Girl: We have a mayor. Do you?
Horse: Sure!
Girl: What do you call it?
Horse: Same as you do. Mare!
Chuck Norris sank the Titanic on a late afternoon swim.
Vote:
Yo' Mama is so dirty, they won't even use her bath water for waterboarding.
The Animal Crackers that Chuck Norris eats are made from real animals.
Vote:
Q:Did you hear the joke about the rope?
A:Just skip it.
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.
A guy has a talking dog.
He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go ‘roof’."
"No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare.
He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says.
"This one will amaze you.
" He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.