Chuck Norris was the reason the Titanic sank. The iceberg was just a cover-up.
At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook." "Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home." Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What happened?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot. "Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?" "I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed… and that's pretty close.
Son: "What's love juice daddy?" Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?" Son: "Wimbledon."
A guy picks up a pr*stitute and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel. A few days later, he finds that he has caught crabs. He chases down the prostitute and says, "hey bitch, you gave me crabs". She replies, "what'd you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"
Q: Why do some women look at blank paper? A: They like to read their rights.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. Happy Easter!
Yo mama so old her drivers license in hieroglyphics.
Remember my name, because you'll be screaming it later!
Q: Whats the difference between Niagara and Viagra? A: Niagara Falls.