A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today" The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."
Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant? A: She sneezes.
Yo momma so fat, her patronus is a cake.
Q: How do Asians get their name? A: They throw a pan down the hall and listen to the noise. Example: Dong Ching Lau.
Dear Husband, I have been feeling really dirty lately. Please do me. Love, Dishes
Why are black people so tall? Because their knee-grows.
I see you ordered the most expensive item on the menu for our first date. I hope you realize that it comes with a side order of my dick.
[ancient greece] Teacher: "What have you all chosen for your thesis?" Hippocrates: "I'm laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine." Socrates: "I am examining what it means to be." Ptolemy: "Uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear?"
Yo mama so short when she smokes weed, she cant even get high.