Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident.
He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions.
He looks like a mummy.
John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding.
Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."
Transformers are just another name for Chuck Norris' grade 5 science project.
Vote:
Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, "Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?"
Little Johnny smiles proudly, "No Miss, there's no need, my mom cooks really well."
Vote:
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Pornhub is Down,
your mums Facebook will do.
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
If your right leg was Halloween and the other one was Christmas I would have come visit you between the holidays.
Chuck Norris can speak Japanese... in French.
Vote:
Chuck Norris once stared death in the face...
Death pissed his pants.
Vote:
Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks "whats your name ?"
"Carmen" she replies,... "I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?"
The man looks her up and down and sayes "Beerpussy ..."