If Chuck Norris were a toy, you wouldn't play with him, he'll play with you.
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" The man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
Chuck Norris does not understand any phrase that begins with "if at first you don't succeed."
After being shot by a criminal, Chuck Norris said... "that tickles".
According to leading scientists, the deadliest animal on the planet is the Bearded Norris.
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea. They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
Not only CAN Chuck have his cake and eat it too, he WILL.
Chuck Norris once had to go to court...the judge got life in prison.
Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."