If at first you don't succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.
The best security system for a bank is when Chuck's money is in it.
What is the difference between an pilot and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
Chuck Norris can see all 50 states from his house.
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!” To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”
A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?" The businessman replies, "Both!"
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant? A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
Man, to friend, ‘A thief has stolen my wife’s credit card. Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand pounds.’ ‘That’s terrible,’ says the friend. ‘You should report this thief to the police.’ ‘I would,’ says the man. ‘But at the moment he’s spending less than my wife does.’
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves.