Charles isn't in charge. Chuck is!
Man, to friend, ‘A thief has stolen my wife’s credit card. Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand pounds.’ ‘That’s terrible,’ says the friend. ‘You should report this thief to the police.’ ‘I would,’ says the man. ‘But at the moment he’s spending less than my wife does.’
Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot. She says, "This one reminds me of my husband." The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?" "No that dirty."
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop. Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk. The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop." The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?" The little boy again said, "No Bishop." The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?" The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual? The hero always gets his man in the end.
Why did the blonde go to KFC? She heard she could get a pair of breasts for $1.99.
What is the most important use for cowhide? To hold the cow together.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant? A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
I got a tattoo of Chuck Norris on my own leg... now it won't stop roundhouse kicking me in the face.