An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"
"Life is like a box of chocolates." Not all the black ones can be trusted.
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Q: What did one magnet say to the other? A: I find you very attractive.
Johny visits the psychiatrist and tells him: "Lately I have a big problem with my memory." The psychiatrist asks Johny: "And how does it demonstrate concretely?" Johny: "What?"
"Does she have a boyfriend?" "Yes, a cute, strong and clever one." "What's the name?" "John, Michael and Bill."
You know Chuck Norris' pet lizard, right? Last I heard, he was in the movie "Godzilla". Oh, and his pet turtle starred in "Gamera" as well.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the ground first? A: The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.
Yo mamma so hairy she has afros on her nipples.