Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get? A: Mistle-toes!
My mate down the pub asked me last night "Why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?" I said, "It's for sound effects during sex." He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?" I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."
Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan? ´ A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets!
Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?" Me: "Mom."
Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
Your Mother is so fat, her water heater needs a nuclear reactor.
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
Chuck Norris once went skydiving but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Why are niggers like sperm? Only 1 in a Million actually works.
Chuck Norris CAN leave Hotel California.