If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.
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Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
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What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?
Putting in twelve and sucking out thirteen.
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The phrase "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" was actually first coined by Chuck Norris when he came out of the womb.
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What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune.
Q. What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?
A. Wheeeee.
Chuck Norris once appeared on celebrity wipeout.
They had to end the season after he destroyed the sucker punch wall with his chin.
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Chuck Norris sleeps with his gun over his pillow.
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Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
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A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.
He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"