Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead? A: Depth perception.
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother? For smoking in bed.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere.I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.
Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
Q: What is height of Honesty? A: A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: A dic-tater.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.