If you think you have shitty job, what if you were toilet paper!
There was a little boy sitting on a curb in one hand he had a cat and the other a box of smarties. Every so often he would pop a smartie bite the cat get up and move down to the curb. There is a man watching this young boy and wonders what he's doing once again the kid pops a smartie bites the cat gets up and moves down on the curb. So the man comes outside and yells to the boy but the boy ignores him and continues popping a smartie biting the cat and moving down the curb. Finally the man screams hey kid "what are you doing?" The boy looks back and says "who? me?" The man says "yes." The little boy responds "Well sir I'm playing trucker." The man confused says "What do you mean playing trucker." The little boy then says "Yes, playing trucker I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving down the road."
Your beauty is why God invented eyeballs, but your booty is why God invented my balls!
What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag? Speed bumps.
I think you’ll find that any of my lady companions will tell you I’m a ‘five times a night man’. I really shouldn’t drink so much tea before I go to bed.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
Officer: "I'm arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia." Man: "No wait! I can explain everything!"
Yo Mama so hairy, when she shaved her legs, your dad thought she got a new carpet.
A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down. He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring. As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?" To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!" And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.