Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
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Q: Where does a snowman keep his money?
A: In a snow bank.
The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
Q: What kind of music do elves like best?
A: "Wrap" music!
Q: What element is a girl's future best friend?
A: Carbon.
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Q: What do you call Bin Laden when he lost his virginity?
A: Osama Bin Laiden.
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Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have balls just for decoration.
Chuck Norris' shadow stays ten steps behind him in fear of a roundhouse kick.
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One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty steamy.
All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand.
She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom.
"Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!"
"I have two words for you -- LET GO!"
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