What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken... and the rest are handicapped.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !
Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"
What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women? Bingo!
Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall." The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"
Q. How do men define a long-term relationship? A. A second date.
Wonder Woman's magic Lasso is actually one of Chuck Norris' chest hairs.