Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half." Me: [visibly confused] Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."
Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard.
Micheal Jordan to Chuck Norris: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you? Chuck Norris: (laughs) How do you think the earth spins?
They once made a "Chuck Norris" brand toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.
Children brought up on a farm are often quite precocious. A nun gave a lecture on the facts of life to the combined classes one day. She thought the tiny tots would hardly know what her talk was all about so she left them in the classroom. After a while she noticed little five year old Johnnie whispering with a little four year old Jane and she asked Johnnie what was the meaning of their whispering. Johnnie stood up and asked, "Please sister, can a woman of four have a baby?" "Of course not," answered the sister, quite flustered. Johnnie turned to the little girl beside him and said, "Didn’t I tell you, you had nothing to worry about."
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Giraffes were invented when Chuck Norris laid an uppercut to a horse.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.