I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."
Chuck Norris can drive a solar-powered car at night.
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Q:Where do you find giant snails?
A:On the ends of their fingers.
Never ask Chuck Norris for an autograph.
Why?
Because Chuck's signature is a straight roundhouse kick to the face.
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If you took all the worlds Super Heroes and combined them, Chuck would still kill them instantly.
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Chuck Norris doesn't smile, his mouth smiles for him.
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Chuck Norris has 5 bathtubs, they are known as the Great Lakes.
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I got a tattoo of Chuck Norris on my own leg... now it won't stop roundhouse kicking me in the face.
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