What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?
Dead Siri-ous.
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A brain walks into a bar and says, "Ill have a pint of beer please.
"The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I cant serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"Youre already out of your head."
Q: What do you call Santa Claus with muscles?
A: Mr. XMass
Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
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I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with.
I dyed my hair!
A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge on the tenth floor of a skyscraper.
The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
"Where were you? I was worried sick."
"It was such nice day, I decided to walk."
Yo mama so fat and stupid, she went to a grocery store and tried to gamble at Butterball.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
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Atlas doesn't drop the earth because he knows Chuck Norris lives in it.
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