Chuck Norris doesn't Tivo television programs. They come on when HE wants them to.
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
Yo mama is so fat she has to write an apology letter to Japan.
Dad shouts ..."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!" Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Yo mamma's so stupid she got trapped in a bathroom and wet her pants!
Ones the bus was full of people. A man looks at a lovely girl, she looks at him, he smiled, she did so, he told her get off at the next station, she did, he took her place.
Q:Why do ducks have webbed feet? A:To stamp out fires. Q:Why do elephants have flat feet? A:To stamp out burning ducks
Q: Why did the bodybuilder cross the road? A: He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.
Q: Whats the height of desperation? A: A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.