While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;
"See those mountains over there" and he pointed to them."
I replied, "Yes."
"Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those mountains, that means it's raining. If you can see them, that means it's going to rain." 
Vote:
There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamt that Venus
was strokin' his penis
And woke with a handfull of goo
Vote:
Before sliced bread, people used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".
Vote:
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes?
A: The guy who gave it to him.
Vote:
What kind of a car does a proctologist drive?
A brown Probe!
Vote:
Chuck Norris can put 13 eggs in a dozen carton.
Vote:
A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principals.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
"Mom, can I escort Helen?"
The girl, waiting to hear a cold hearted "no", she surprised hears: "Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!"
Chuck Norris can flush a port-a-potty.
Vote:
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
A: A rotisserie chicken.
Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called Sosumi.