How do you fry a Mexican?
You turn on the fence.
Armageddon is defined as the day Chuck Norris gets bored with us.
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Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris' fists will kill you.
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A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
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Insurance companies are trying to set new guidelines before approving Viagra coverage.
What will they use to set those guidelines?
A growth chart.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking about getting married.
They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible.
The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said, "So long Lucy."
She said, "Goodbye, Shorty."
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Chuck Norris doesn't hold any world records, he broke them all.
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