Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"
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Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Chuck Norris can see in the dark.
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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.
It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."
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A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood.
Police are still hunting for the clots.
Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
The last one was called the Hindenburg.
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Chuck Norris got a perfect SAT score by just putting his name on the paper...
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Every bone inside Chuck Norris is his funny bone, cause he laughs wherever you hit him.
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Chuck Norris can finish a Super Mario game with just one arrow key.
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Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?
A: A snowmobile!
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."