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Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?
You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball! 
A woman walks into a dildo shop to buy a dildo.
After a few minutes of looking around she approaches the clerk.
"Excuse me, do you have anything bigger?" She asks.
The clerk shows her a few items on the shelf.
"I'm looking for something bigger than those," she says.
The clerk pauses for a moment, "I think I might have what you're looking for, but it's expensive."
"Oh that's fine," she says.
The clerk leads her to the counter where he was sitting and pulls out a massive chrome cylinder.
"$500" he says.
"Oh wow," says the woman, "that is expensive, but it's perfect."
The woman hands the clerk $500 and happily leaves the store.
The store owner comes out and asks the clerk, "so have you sold any dildos?"
"No, but I sold my thermos for $500."
Yo mama so fat, when your dad tried eating your mom's pussy his head stuck in.
Me: Can I call an officer a pussy?
Cop: No.
Me: Can I call a pussy 'officer?'
Cop: I guess you could...
Me: Goodnight, officer
One day little Johnny with his aunt went to a zoo.
Little Johnny pointed to a donkey that had a black and long erected penis more than 20 inches length.
So he asked his aunt what was that.
His aunt responded: "That is nothing"
On the other month when he with his mother went to the zoo accidentally they met the same donkey with his long dick.
Johnny pointing to it said to his mother: "Mommi my aunt told me that it was nothing."
His mother laughed and said: "My dear it is nothing for your aunt!"
Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:
- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.
- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.
- You can do the whole neighborhood.
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?
A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Little cowboy runs into a Bar shouting angerly "WHO's the lousy varmint that painted my horse green?"
A big cowboy sidles up to him and says "I DID.. want to complain to me?"
"No," says the little guy "just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry!"
Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand!
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."