Aaron Hernandez goes to prison as a tight end. He'll come out a wide receiver!
The Unfortunate Penis: - You've got a hole in your head. - You always hang around with two nuts. - Your closest neighbor is an a**hole. - Your best friend is a pussy. - Every time you get excited, you throw up.
Q: Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him? A: He came home shit faced.
Where's the safest place to be when a bunch of white guys are playing basketball? Under the Hoop
Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool. I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..." "That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
Q: What are three things you can't give a black person? A: A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
When Chuck Norris works out, he doesn't sweat. His body cries.
If you say "alright" in the mirror 3 times Matthew McConaughey will appear and hand you a joint.