A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. Teacher: What are you waiting for? Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.
‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’ George Burns
The husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet the wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came back to his senses, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"
There's a new pain reliever for wives that relieves the headache caused by a husband who never remembers your anniversary. It's called "Jackasspirin."
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts. First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that." Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first."