What's the difference between a condom and a coffin? You come in one and you go in the other!
Q: How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle? A: 54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."
Yo momma’s so fat, ‘Place Your Ad Here’ is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo momma’s so stupid, when she went to a movie and it said, ‘Under 17 not admitted’, she went home to find 16 relatives.
Don’t spend money having your shirts laundered. Donate them to a charity shop, then when they’ve cleaned them, buy them back.
Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Gemma:My dog doesn't have a nose. Ortoise: How does he smell? Gemma: Awful!
Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.