Chuck Norris doesn't get shark attacked, the shark gets Chuck Norris attacked.
When Chuck Norris works out, he doesn't sweat. His body cries.
In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Redbull and jumped out a plane. For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
So God is getting a bit bored in heaven, and he asks his archangel Michael, "Michael, I need to get away from it all for a bit. Where should I go to clear my head?" Michael replies, "Well, you could always go to Pluto. You could go create a mountain and ski, have a bit of fun." God says, "No, I don't think so. I don't do so well with the cold, and frostbite was definitely not one of my better creations." The archangels says, "Alright, well you could always try Mercury. It's nice and warm, you could just take a bit of time to relax, get a nice tan." "Michael," God says, "do you see how white I am? I would burn to a crisp." Michael replies, "Alright, well then why don't you go to Earth?" "Fuck that," God says, "last time I went there I got some girl pregnant and I never heard the end of it."
Q: What's the only thing faster than a black man running away with your TV? A: His son running away with your VCR.
I know when god becomes angry. When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around. As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?" She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."
When Chuck Norris breaks the speed limit, no one can put it back together again.
When Chuck Norris plays dodge ball... the balls dodge him.
Chuck Norris can play a whole note in 3/4 time.