Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny... Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Q: What’s so good in f***ing twenty six year olds? A: That they are twenty…
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.” “I’m surprised,” said the owner. “I’ve never taught that bird to swear.” “Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor. “But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”
How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.
A student to his teacher: "I haven't got no pencil." Teacher, correcting him: "You don't have any pencil. He doesn't have any pencils. We don't have any pencils." Student, with a look of astonishment: "Where have all the pencils gone?"
There’s one good thing about life. It’s only temporary.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."