Best jokes ever

Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.
Vote: has 46.35 % from 52 votes. Send joke:

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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny... Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
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More jokes about: beauty, communication, family, little Johnny, teacher
Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Vote: has 46.29 % from 111 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, gay
Q: What’s so good in f***ing twenty six year olds? A: That they are twenty…
Vote: has 46.28 % from 54 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, sex
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Vote: has 46.22 % from 56 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.” “I’m surprised,” said the owner. “I’ve never taught that bird to swear.” “Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor. “But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”
Vote: has 46.20 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: school
How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.
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More jokes about: baby, black humor
A student to his teacher: "I haven't got no pencil." Teacher, correcting him: "You don't have any pencil. He doesn't have any pencils. We don't have any pencils." Student, with a look of astonishment: "Where have all the pencils gone?"
Vote: has 46.20 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: school, student, teacher
There’s one good thing about life. It’s only temporary.
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More jokes about: life
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
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More jokes about: women