Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
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When Chuck Norris wants salmon he eats the bear too.
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Why did God give women legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
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Chuck Norris can eat peanut butter with a straw.
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A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
Q: Why aren't the aliens making contact?
A: They are afraid of Chuck Norris.
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A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blond yelled at the doctor...
"A cute appendicitis!
I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!"
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!