The best animal jokes

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area. The police tell the drunk party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.
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has 44.67 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, car, cop, party
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
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has 44.61 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: animal, baby, family, food, kids
Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.
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has 44.56 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, food
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
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has 44.54 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, disgusting, morbid, music
Are you a shark? Cause I've got some swimmers for you to swallow.
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has 44.50 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, flirt, sex
Curiosity didn't kill the cat. Chuck Norris did.
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has 44.47 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms. The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if Raptors win?" The owner replies: "I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."
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has 44.47 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, bartender, dog, game
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear. He sleeps with a real bear.
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has 44.46 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey. He chews bees...
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has 44.46 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, food
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
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has 44.46 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
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