What kind of whale flies?
Pilot whales.
How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.
Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
He was a rough rider!
What color socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.
The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant.
"One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?
Rhesus Pieces.
Vote:
Chuck Norris does not buy ground beef, he just takes a whole cow, runs it through his beard, and fully cooked hamburgers come out.
Vote:
Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!"
"There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time.
My fee, of course, will be $1,500."
Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.