What gas do snails prefer?
Shell.
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball?
Glass flippers.
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?
He stung her into action.
What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
(Try saying that fast!)
Scooby Doo prefers Norris snacks'.
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the BET was on.
They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.”
Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a 22 rifle.”
He was right!
The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.
When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.”
Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a 308.”
He was right again!
This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”
His wife replied angrily, “From me!”
“What did I do?” he asked.
She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!’”
If Chuck Norris were a cat he would have ten lives.
One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.
They thought they would have some fun with him.
"Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers.
"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"
"Sure am," said the boy.
"If I didn't he would probably join the Army."
Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it.
Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.
"That's amazing," said the bartender.
"Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage.
The penguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street.
When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."