What's a pet's favorite day?
Saint Petrick's Day.
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?
Because he had a stinking cold.
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?
He whale-d.
What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed-up squid.
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?
For smoking in bed.
Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
A: Becuase the "P" is silent.
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
Vote:
Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg."
Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."