Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.
"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?" "He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good." To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."
A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says "I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money." The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?" The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, "omg she's sick." He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.