Funeral jokes are the best - they never die...
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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
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"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
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Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.
How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give him a helping hand.
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"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?"
"He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
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A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral.
A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said.
"It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
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One step forward, 12 floors down.
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A guy has a bad habit:
He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives.
So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid.
Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch.
They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street.
He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"
The worst place to have a heart attack is during a gama of cherades.
...Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers.
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