Q: Where do one-legged people eat? A: IHOP.
Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.
Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.
An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?" His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive." The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot. The couple climbs in the helicopter. The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. The couple never made a sound. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides." The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!" "How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"
Q: What's the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex? A: Lefty.
One step forward, 12 floors down.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men? A. He thought it was a home delivery service.