Q: What's red, white, and cries a lot? A: A baby with a razor!
"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?" "He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner? So they can take bubble baths.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team? A: The New York Jets.
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?" After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor". The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair". Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news". The doctor replies, "He's dead".
Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!" Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!" Father: "But you have to start with something!"
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!