A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.
Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.
I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. You put groceries in the other.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common? A: They aren't much to look at but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.