A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says "I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money." The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?" The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, "omg she's sick." He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex. But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.