I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Q: Why did Hitler kill himself? A: He saw his gas bill.
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden? Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine. Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges. As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
Q: How do you get 15,000 followers? A: Run through Africa with a water bottle.
How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?" Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is.