"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?"
"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
Vote:
So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."
Vote:
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.
The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
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Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden?
Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
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Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'?
Because black people have no rights...
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Q: Why do German shower heads have 11 holes?
A: Jews have 10 fingers.
Vote:
So an old man, a Catholic priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just one person!
Vote:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
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Q: What's the difference between morbid and black humour?
A: Well, black humour is like 10 children in one rubbish bin, whereas morbid humour is like one child in 10 rubbish bins.
Vote:
Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.