I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight.
It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow.
He said he can't walk.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden?
Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
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In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine.
Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges.
As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
Q: How do you get 15,000 followers?
A: Run through Africa with a water bottle.
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How do you stop an Iraqi tank?
"Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
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Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?"
Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.
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