Knock, knock Who's there? I'm Mr, Farter. Mr, Farter who? I've brought some insecticides to give to your mother in law!
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.
Q: Why did Hitler kill himself? A: He saw his gas bill.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden? Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team? A: The New York Jets.
A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before." The legless man shakes his head. Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before." The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fucked before." The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"
What rule could stop HIV in Africa? Sex after dinner only.