What's funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
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Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?"
Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
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What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The dashboard.
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Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.
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Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
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So an old man, a Catholic priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just one person!
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After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?"
After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor".
The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair".
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news".
The doctor replies, "He's dead".
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Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?
So they can take bubble baths.
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