Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
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Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
A: It's when the blind try to read your face.
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What's funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
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Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!"
Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!"
Father: "But you have to start with something!"
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Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A: To see her crack.
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Me: "Here comes the airplane!"
Baby: Opens mouth.
Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
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Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
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Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
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Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.
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Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers?
A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
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