Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? A: It's when the blind try to read your face.
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.
Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!" Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!" Father: "But you have to start with something!"
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall? A: To see her crack.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ? A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard? Shut up, and give me more bullets.
Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers? A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.