Michael: "What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?" Matthew: "I don't know. What?" Michael: "Candy corneas."
I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade. Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...
Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you? Answer: Shorten the chain.
I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.
What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner? So they can take bubble baths.
What goes: "Click-is that it? Click-is that it? Click-is that it?" A blind person with a rubix cube.