Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
Vote:
Q: How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
A: It's when the blind try to read your face.
Vote:
Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.
Vote:
Me: "Here comes the airplane!"
Baby: Opens mouth.
Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
Vote:
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.
Vote:
Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
Vote:
My dad was a complicated man.
He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know?
Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
Vote:
How do you get a baby to run faster?
Chase it with the lawn mower.
Vote:
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A: To see her crack.
Vote:
I wish I could see things from your point of view, unfortunately I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
Vote: