Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic? He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.
In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine. Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges. As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind? The dashboard.
How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is.
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.