Two boiled eggs in a pan, one says "Hot in here in it", other says "You think it's hot in here, wait till you get outside they smash your head in."
What goes: "Click-is that it? Click-is that it? Click-is that it?" A blind person with a rubix cube.
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool. I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..." "That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind? The dashboard.
What rule could stop HIV in Africa? Sex after dinner only.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."