Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.
How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind? The dashboard.
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.
Q: Why do German shower heads have 11 holes? A: Jews have 10 fingers.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool. I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..." "That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."