How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.
What goes: "Click-is that it? Click-is that it? Click-is that it?" A blind person with a rubix cube.
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool. I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..." "That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
So an old man, a Catholic priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just one person!
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
Q: What's more offensive than a truck full of dead babies? A: Taking them out with pitchforks.
Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team? A: The New York Jets.
Two boiled eggs in a pan, one says "Hot in here in it", other says "You think it's hot in here, wait till you get outside they smash your head in."