Q: How do you kill an emo? A: You don't you let depression do the work.
Q: Did you hear her eyes were blue? A: Yeah, one blew this way, one blew that way...
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
Q: How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the shit happened on the ninth of November anyway?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before." The legless man shakes his head. Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before." The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fucked before." The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? He did okay until his business fell off.