Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.
Daddy to his son: I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.
What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick miscarriage.
"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?" "He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"
How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it’s head.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. You put groceries in the other.