Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?
"Ask your sister"
"I don't have a..."
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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
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Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
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What's red and dances all around?
A baby on a barbecue
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Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
A: Santa comes down the chimney.
What's pink and chunky?
A baby with leprosy.
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W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
A: Everywhere.
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What happens if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water.
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Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son.
He's a martyr.
"Here's my second son.
He's a martyr too!"
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says , They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."